From my diary: Goodluck Jonathan

A month in the life of the Nigerian President - me.

DEAR DIARY, I know it’s been long since we hang out.  Real sorry, it’s been such a busy month. But so memorable! Wait till you hear about it.

First things first—next week I am off to Barack Obama’s big bash. Can you imagine some guys here have been urging me to cancel so as to “rein in” these annoying Boko Haram fellows? 

Not happening, I missed Obiang Nguema’s Malabo African Union do - I hear he outdid himself. I also have a life you know! Plus that mean son of a Kenyan gun rarely invites us over, definitely not missing this one. 

Diary, guess who I met this month? Malala! In the flesh! She’s so nice, even managed to convince me to meet with the parents of those abducted Chibok schoolgirls. Poor lasses, I wonder who will help them? 

Anyway, so Malala—she’s only 17— and I chatted at Aso Rock, she’s so passionate about this thing called girl rights. She also came in just at the right time—that Obiageli (by the way what happened to her World Bank job?) and her donor-funded band of protesters have been so in my face, if I could I would ship them to the north-east.

Speaking of which, those Boko militants have really acted up this month, where do they even get the time, you would think they would have been fasting. I hear they are now using teenage suicide girls as bombers. So unoriginal. But I am truly glad July is over, I think they’ll get bored of their daily bombings. I hope.

Chineke, what’s this I hear that Ebola has reached Lagos? How now and we are not even neighbours with Liberia and Sierra Leone? Patience told me it’s a really nasty thing. I wonder if I should close the borders like Sirleaf has done? But I will lose votes; Nigerians just love to travel and throw their weight around the continent. 

On second thoughts no, that would be the end of my US travel plan. Can’t wait!

Honestly have to go, scared this Ebola might find me here. 

•The Woodpecker writes whenever he is a bad folly, poking fun at Africa’s big – and small – men.

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